Have you ever seen something that somebody else has accomplished and thought to yourself, “Why couldn’t that have been me?”  Have you wondered if it’s your decisions that led you to where you are now or just the simple fact that you’re not meant to do something great?  Or do you think simply that it just isn’t your time yet?  I’ve been feeling this way lately.  Mostly, I ask myself if I’m just not meant to accomplish this thing or if I’M the reason it’s not being accomplished and if I simply get over myself, it’s going to happen.   

The catch is that where I am is exactly where I want to be, there’s just a few extras I want thrown in.  I’m working on it.  I think that only my determination will help me obtain what I’m after, so that’s what I’m investing.  Blood, sweat and tears.  I’m 27… I’m still young.  Some people aren’t even this close to their dreams when they’re 40, so I’d say I’m doing pretty good.  I just look at the people that are 10 years younger than me with WAY more success than me and I guess, simply put, I get jealous.  I have the talent, but I think it’s the drive that separated me from them.  That’s all changing now.  I’ve had some pushing from family and friends and I finally feel like this is the time to move forward.   

The past how-many-years have been so crazy.  There’s been a lot of self-seeking going on, healing, wandering… but I’ve finally found where I’m supposed to stay.  I’ve found the self I lost 10 years ago and when I say that I’ve digressed, it’s true, and it’s good.  Now that I know who I am, I can grow. 

So watch out world.. here I come…

This sweet little old man sells me my cotton candy at every Pittsburgh sports event I attend.  For some reason, I just love this picture.  And everytime I heard him walking up and down the stairs shouting “Cottn Cand HERE!”  (That’s how he pronounces it..) it makes me smile.  So I guess even the smallest of responsibilities lends to somebody’s happiness.  And that’s all that matters, right?

- C.S. Lewis

It seems like each day gets a little harder for us. One would expect that accepting the truth would get easier with each passing day. For me, now, though, it seems that each passing day only serves to remind me that I have one less day to try for what I want.

However, in the midst of all of this darkness that has so quickly seemed to drench my life, the rays of light piercing through it get brighter and brighter.

Yesterday was yet another hard day. I began taking Progesterone last Friday and needless to say, it’s felt like I’ve had raging PMS every second of every day since I took the first pill. Work left me feeling like I wanted every other human in existence to by cryogenically frozen until this week passed so they wouldn’t irritate me anymore.

So, I get home from work and on the doorstep is a little package. As soon as I looked at the sender on the box, I burst into tears. I hadn’t even unlocked the door yet.

Alice, the most wonderful, sweetest, most compassionate, never-met friend I’ve ever had, sent me the greatest little box of goodies. After I opened it, I called my mom, still crying, and she started crying, too. Thank you, Alice, for making me smile when smiles are few and far between lately. ((Be expecting a little something in return soon))

This adorable little asparagus notepad… I love it! It will be perfect to keep in my purse and keep tabs on my to-do’s…

A happy little keychain that will make me smile every time I see it…

Some sweet and comforting soap from Dustpan Alley…

And now for my most favorite treasure of all… a crocheted handbag sweetly created by Alice herself…

I’ve admired her handbags for quite some time now and finally, I have one all to myself.

Thanks again, Alice. I promise, that I will do the same for someone else someday.. and soon. Kindness and compassion surely are contagious.

-Bo Derek

Last night I forced myself through a session of retail-therapy.  This is a common remedy in my family for any emotional / physical ailment that might befall us.  After an extremely successful trip to Ross Park Mall, I logged onto forever21.com to order the items that I sadly couldn’t find in the store.

First and foremost, The Emily Pump: (and of course, as I go to add the link, there are no more in the on-line store.  So sorry, but I got the last pair!)

I initially saw these over at Creature Comforts and it was love at first sight.  Lucky me, they only had one size left and it was mine! 

*Update:  The shoes arrived and to my dismay, the heel is about an inch higher than I can manage to walk in.  They’re getting returned this weekend.  Drats.

The other thing I ordered was this adorable H81 Gingham Drawstring Hem Top

I have an ungodly obsession with plaids and flannels for the fall this year.  This is my first purchase of the two and it might just be my last.  I’m not entirely convinced that I can actually pull off the grunge-chic look that I’ve envisioned in my head. 

On top of all this I purchased a good amount of stuff at the mall that I will have to model for you because the images on the website just don’t do them justice… not that pictures of ME wearing them will be any better.

My favorite purchase of the evening were my boots from Aldo’s.  Which, of course, I’m going to have to model because their website seems to be very uncooperative at the moment. 

Shopping definitely makes me smile.  New shoes especially make me smile, but still in the back of my mind is that nagging reminder of everything that’s going on and when the high of finding my soul-mate in the form of a leather strappy flat boot fades, I realize I need another pair of boots.  Just kidding.  Honestly, though, it’s still hard.  I’m anxious for this trying time of my life to be over with and I know that’s horrible.  One should never wish away their life.  So for the moment, until this passes, I drown my sorrow in guilty pleasures such as boots, tunics, turquoise skinny pants, tv shows and most of all, art.  It’s most certainly wonderful to have this little sheltered world here to release all of my anguish in and know that it’s falling on sensitive ears (or eyes since you are reading) with warm hearts.  It really is amazing to find out that you have friends you’ve never met that can share in your pain and your joy. 

Anyway, thank you, all of you, for being there.  It means so much to me.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Illustration by Me.

Those of you who are close to me already know what’s going on in my life.  The past few months have been difficult.  I’m finally getting answers and now, I want to write everything down.  Release my frustration, my sadness, and the hope that I’m still holding onto. 

My husband, Tom, and I have been trying to conceive since we were married on February 16, 2008.  The first few months of failed attempts were to be expected.  “It takes at least a year for most to conceive the first time,” everyone kept telling us.  ‘Okay,’ I’d tell myself and the next month, when my cycle came, another little piece of me, of my hope was chipped away. 

Finally, in June, my cycle was 3 weeks late.  The home tests were negative, but that was neither here nor there because my mother had to take 3 blood tests before she showed positive of being pregnant with me.  I scheduled a Dr. appt, had more tests done… all negative.  We were told to wait two more weeks, then take another test.  Two days before the two weeks were up my cycle came. 

The part of my hope that came off that month was bigger than before.  I cried for days.  I wondered every night while I tried to fall asleep what was wrong with me.  Everyone told me, “You’re just psyching yourself out, Don’t think about it so much, Stop worrying”… over and over until I wanted to slap everyone that even mentioned my lack of pregnancy having to do with my mental state. 

After that cycle, the day for my next one to come came and went… no period.  I waited 4 weeks this time, still no period.  Two months had passed since my last period when I began to bleed.  It’s been a month and the bleeding continues.  I had enough last week.  I knew something was wrong and it wasn’t in my head.  I requested a sonogram and blood tests from the Dr. with hopes of figuring out what was going on.  A week past and no one called with my test results, so I called them myself.  I got the response that no person really ever wants to hear when asking for test results, “You’ll need to come and speak with Dr. Labella.  She will review your test results with you.  Do you know what PCOS is?”  “No.”  “The Dr. will go over it with you.”

I hung up the phone and began sobbing.  I knew it.  I knew there is something wrong with me and everyone just kept discounting my fears.  I immediately called my mom (I was driving home from work) and she googled PCOS.

My diagnosis is Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Each of my ovaries are completely full of tiny cysts.  As a result, I can’t ovulate.  No wonder we’ve had all these failed attempts.  When I got home I sunk into this abyss of realization and self-pity.  I cried for hours.  I felt useless.  I felt as if my entire existence was without purpose.  If I can’t have children, what good is it being a woman?  I had been trying to come to terms with this idea for the past 7 months… just in case I found out I couldn’t have kids I wanted to make sure I would be okay with it.  I had convinced myself I would, until I heard it for real.  I wasn’t okay.  I want to have children more than anything in the world, to raise a family with my husband, the love of my life, and pass on all the things that my parents taught me. 

I went to see the Dr. 4 days later.  In those four days I really came to resent the med assistant for telling me what it was without any explaination.  Dr. Labella was very optimistic.  She gave me 2 options… to begin taking fertility drugs or to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist for further testing.  The drugs will stimulate ovulation.  Simple as that.  However, there is no cure for PCOS.  There are only treatments to manage it.  We’re still deciding on the best course of action, but I’m so glad to finally have an answer and to be able to move forward. 

So, on top of that, my father-in-law was in the hospital for 3 days last week, my husband had to be rushed to the Dr. with chest pains and difficulty breathing, and I had my wisdom teeth pulled.  It’s just overall been a really really awful few weeks.  I’m hoping that this week to come holds more joy.  It’s been hard to get out of bed and face the day ahead of me.  Tom is wonderful and has been beside me for every step of this.  And if none of this is successful, I will still have the most wonderful life with him, kids or no kids.  It’s just hard to hear that you aren’t perfect, ya know? 

- Andy Warhol

Photo:  by Me… Driftwood - Ohiopyle, PA.

I know I’m quoting Andy Warhol who happens to be one of the people on my least respected human list, but, not all things that come from any one person are negative.  As a result of personal things going on lately, I’ve been thinking alot about time… my time.  I’ve been considering the things I want to accomplish and why they aren’t happening for me.  I think that everyone experiences moments like this in their lifetime… everyone should, at least.  Everyone should come to a point in their life where they re-evaluate and re-direct themselves.  Well, I’m there.  Last night, as depressing as it was, I asked myself, “If I died next week, what things would I be sorry that I didn’t do?”  Then I got really sad from thinking all of that, picked up my sketchbook and doodled away with my new markers. 

It seems that drawing is an instant cure for all my emotional ailments.  Lately, I’ve had myself locked up in my studio with my sketchbook, pens and markers while watching the entire first (and only) season of Moonlight.  (I have an unhealthy obsession with vampires.) 

Speaking of change, though, I’ve decided to take this little blog of mine in a different direction.  There’s only one aspect of my life that I’ve been portraying here and it’s a completely unbalanced view of who I am.  Art is a huge part of me, but not everything.  Fashion is another love of mine.  Decorating, too.  But, I also love the outdoors… backpacking, snowboarding…  I love reading, I love the theater, I love cooking, and I love love love music.  Most of you probably don’t even know that I’ve been classicaly trained on the piano from the age of 7 or that I play the guitar and flute, too.  So, from this moment on, this blog isn’t just about my art.  It’s about me, all of me.  I’ll be doing some re-decorating here soon, as well, to more appropriately represent my style, my taste, my personality.  I’m going to start talking about everything that I love.

To start… I’ve gone a little Etsy crazy lately with ordering prints for my house.   Here are a few of the ones I have ordered so far:::

Waiting By The Sea - My Folk Lover

My Captain… We’ve Reached The End Of The World
Hidenseek

Both of these will be going in my bedroom.  For some reason I have a thing for girls with boats on their heads….!?  I honestly didn’t even realize I had done it until after I ordered them both.  Weird.

Anyway, off to work!  I hope everyone (in the States) had a wonderful holiday weekend.  I definitely did!

So says Tom Stoppard.  I think it’s only partially true.  I think that at times people have skill and choose to lay it at rest in order to have a more emotional reflection of themselves in their art.  Skill, to me, is like a stencil, a guideline at times.  There are alot of times when I’m glad I decided not to go to art school because my style wasn’t molded by those teaching me.  However, there are skills I wish I had learned from someone and that I am now looking for ways of learning it on my own. 

Anyway…. here’s an illustration I’m working on currently for myself.  Yep, that’s right.  FOR ME.  I’ll have prints made, but the original is staying put in my living room.  I really love drawing things just for no reason at all.  It’s very inspiring because I know I can make it whatever I want without worrying what someone else will think of it.  I feel those are the pieces that are the greatest… the ones without inhibition, the ones where desire crashes with imagination and creates something so uniquely defined by a person’s own perception.  This piece is the beginning of that for me.  Make of it what you wish…

- says Frank Lloyd Wright

Sunny Downtown Pittsburgh, PA - Photo by Me

Let’s talk for a minute about my wonderful Macbook, Blanche.  I sit down comfortably in my chair 2 nights ago with some hot chamomille mint tea, Blanche happily resting on my lap, a perfect evening as far as I was concerned.  Until I attempted to wake Blanche up.  I open her, press enter.  Nothing.  I push the power button.  Nothing.  I plug her, push the power button and to my surprise she wakes up and greets me cheerfully with her little chime.  I wait anxiously to see if I get some kind of crazy virus warning (I’ve never had issues with my Mac, so I don’t even know what it would look like if I did.)  Everything is perfect… everything except the microscopic black X covering the battery icon where the little lightning bolt should be.  Panic. 

Blanche?  Blanche what’s wrong with you?  I decided to let her rest, plugged in over night.  The next morning… nothing had changed.  The black X still plagued me like a splinter deep under the skin. 

I use the PC to get on Mac Support.  It seems this is a common issue because it’s under the FAQ on the support page.  I follow all 4 suggestions for healing my Blanche and nothing works.  Last resort… call Apple.

My wonderful husband takes the task upon himself.  Forty-five minutes later and lots of panic stricken faces made by him, causing minor anxiety attacks in my ignorant self, that problem is solved.

Turns out my battery was the member of a batch of faulty batteries.  Apple simply stated they would send me a new one.  Fortunately, Tom had researched before we called, reading a few message boards and that’s how he found out about the bad batteries.  I’m not entirely sure that they would have offered up that knowledge had Tom not asked about it.  However, I love Apple.  We were both very pleased with the way they handled our issue and I’d have no qualms about dealing with them when anything else goes wrong. 

Not that that has ever happened to me, but today definitely feels like one of those days.  It’s one of those days where the sounds you hear every day of your life suddenly annoy the crap out of you.  It’s one of those days where you put on your brand new dress and even though you loved it on in the store, somehow, now you hate it.  It’s one of those days where every driver on the road is doing exactly the wrong thing, driving 5 miles under the speed limit or not changing lanes when you need them to.  It’s one of those days where even though you are wearing waterproof mascara, everytime you look in the mirror it’s smudged under your eyes making you look like you got mugged walking from your desk to the bathroom.

But it’s also one of those days where the smallest things make you smile to yourself because everything else is just SO wrong.  Like the rain that so morbidly fits your mood… it actually makes you smile when you smell it evaporating off the hot sidewalks.  Or seeing the bunnies that terrorize your garden… they actually make you smile.  Or eating a handful of Reese’s Pieces from your co-workers candy jar… 

A Rainy Day In Pittsburgh - Photo by me

It’s just a backwards day today. 

To keep up with the whole arts and crafts theme I’m supposed to be following on this blog of mine, here’s a picture of my second-ever softie that I designed for my sister-in-law Jen for this past Christmas.  I absent-mindedly forgot to take pictures of it before giving it to her.  She snapped these shots for me of Fitz in her wonderful new habitat. 

Making this elephant was definitely a task I was not prepared for.  I really had no idea what I was getting myself into and it will be a very long time before I attempt to make one like her again.  So for now, she is unique, a one-of-a-kind disaster that I am ever so proud of.

Now I must go onto my backwards day.  All I can do is take a deep breath and say, “Oh well.”

I need to find my niche and stick to it!

I’m sure 99% of you can identify with me on the fact that this month and next month are going to be so insanely busy.  It’s double-y busy for me because I have a wedding to plan as well. 

I have been so busy lately that I’ve barely had time to read the blogs that I love, let alone update my own.  In the meantime, when I have some downtime I dive into my new favorite read, Craft Inc.
 

The introduction basically describes my life perfectly.  Sitting in a cubicle, dreaming of grandeur, just waiting for it to magically happen.  I’m changing my ways.  After the holidays and the wedding I plan to attack my dreams more aggressively and make something happen.  Why not?  There is no reason not to make it happen.  I’m young, I have the world at my fingertips.  If I don’t do it now, when will I? 

Enough self-motivation for today.  I have reports to do and documents to audit.  **sigh** 

Soon I will post pictures of all my holiday projects for the house that I’ve been working on.  Stay tuned**