Shanny Lee » Life & Family

Heartbroken

It seems that as of late, I haven’t had much good to say about life in general. So let’s summarize things from the beginning. Two fridays ago my parents house almost burned down along with their neighbor’s. Fortunately, if it weren’t for a fluke of my dad running out of insulation 20 years ago and buying some flame retardant stuff spur of the moment and coating that side of the house with it, their house probably would have been gone. The worst of their damage was melted siding, broken windows and lots and lots of soot from the neighbor’s house. (Crisis #1)

Crisis #2 - the day after the fire my dad finds out that someone is using his credit card number in Texas. BOA intervened and all charges were refunded.

Crisis #4 - (I’ll come back to #3) - Because of all of the above, I had a minor breakdown and ended up in the hospital on Thursday with the worst migraine of my life.. tubes running in and out of me, pumping God knows what through my veins… the headache went away about 5 hours later, but the “postdrome” is still vexing me. (dizziness, nausea, blurred vision). For all of you that experience migraines on a regular basis, my heart is with you. It’s one of the most terrifying pains you will ever feel and death always seems much more preferable than enduring one more second of the crushing agony in your head.

Now back to Crisis #3 and the worst, to me. Last Sunday my neighbors and good friends found my little kitten, Meeksa, in the middle of the main road a few hundred yards from our house. I cried for 3 days. I miss him so much. It feels like I lost a memeber of my family. My husband said he looked peaceful, though, when he buried him in our little pet cemetery (seriously) in my in-laws backyard. My sweet Meeksa, I love you and miss you very much.

Now I’m back at work after 4 days of being stuck in bed and I’m ready to get on with life. I’m counting my blessings… My parents still have their house and thank God for home owners insurance, I don’t have a brain tumor or anything serious wrong with me, and hopefully… just hopefully, Meeksa died quickly and painlessly. And I still have little Skilo.

I’m getting all choked up again looking at this picture of Meeksa, so I’m going to end this now and get back to work..

Posted by Shannon on March 23rd, 2009 Filed in Life & Family

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Good Friends and Lots of Fun

A couple weeks ago Sara, Dana, Lindi and I went to Ladies Night at the Clay Cafe in Sewickley. They provide the food, you provide the drinks, you sit, paint, laugh and enjoy being surrounded by tons of creative women who just want to have fun.. It costs a small fortune, but it’s so worth it! And now I’ve finally gotten around to posting the pics from our girls night out.

All of us pre-pottery-painting

Lindi and her sweet little square pot

Sara’s ridiculously expensive, but oh-so-adorable olive dish

Dana and her so cute and adorable valentine’s candy dish

My starfish soup bowls which cost me more than a small fortune, but they are the perfect bowls for all the soup I make! Who doesn’t need a great soup bowl??

Close up

Posted by Shannon on February 20th, 2009 Filed in Pottery, Life & Family

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Still Hard

Today is better. Today it doesn’t feel like something is exploding inside my uterus. I’m able to go at least an hour without an emotional meltdown and I’m finally starting to see positively. I wake up every morning to my wonderful husband, to my 2 little kittens who continuously make me laugh and smile… there’s 4 inches of beautiful snow on the ground and covering the trees… I’ve realized how many friends I really have and how amazing they are. I can’t see it all right now, but I KNOW there has to be something good that’s going to come out of this. I have to believe that because if I don’t, I couldn’t go on.

I don’t sleep well at night, I wake up with nightmares of the card they gave me saying that they gave me the Rogam shot upon “termination of pregnancy”. Termination of Pregnancy. I see it over and over in my head. The phrase makes me cringe, makes me shudder, makes my heart stop beating for a moment. I terminated my own child. The doctors said it’s not an abortion. My baby didn’t have a heart beat. It was just a lump of cells. But it was still my baby. I talked to it the day before I went in the hospital. Is that crazy? I couldn’t let it go without saying goodbye. I told it I would always love it, that I would see it again someday and I wanted it to know that I loved it more than I could express. I feel insane just saying this. But it was my baby. I couldn’t just let it go without telling it I loved it.

Okay, enough emotional spillage for today.

Posted by Shannon on January 15th, 2009 Filed in Thoughts, Life & Family

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The Rise and Fall

The past 4 days have been the biggest roller coaster of my life. Saturday night I took a pregnancy test and for the first time in 11 months, it was positive. I screamed, I cried, I laughed, I hugged my husband, I told my family… rejoicing and celebration completely devoured the entire weekend. I began dreaming of the nursery and the furniture I’d put in it, the paintings I’d create for it, the books I’d read to my sweet little baby from my rocking chair as it slept in it’s crib so peacefully…

Then I woke up Monday and felt a little weird. I ignored it, assuming it was morning sickness. After all, I’ve never actually done any of this before. I pulled myself together and went to work excited to share with the people who had been through the past eleven months of hell by my side that finally, all my efforts were paying off. The day started off fairly well and I was on my way out the door to lunch when I started bleeding. I panicked, of course. The doctor said to come in the next day for an ultrasound and we’d go from there. After lunch the pain set in. By 2pm I could barely walk from my desk to the bathroom. My boss sent me home. The pain just continued to get worse and worse. Husband had to work late so mom, dad and Lindi came over to keep me company and make sure I was okay. I laid on the couch for 9 hours writhing in pain, crying, sobbing, wishing I would just pass out. Finally around 11pm the edge came off the pain and I was able to fall asleep.

Morning came (this morning) and I felt good. The bleeding stopped, the pain was gone, but something still wasn’t right. On my left side was a dull throbbing that seemed dangerous considering I am pregnant. We went to the doctor’s and had the ultrasound. After 15 minutes of digging around with the internal scanner, the tech was ready to stop when all of a sudden a little black spot appeared next to my left ovary. After about 5 minutes of silence and lots of different angles and measuring we heard what no newly pregnant couple wants to hear, “ah, now that’s a concern.” Another five minutes pass and she shuts off the machine and explains that I have an ectopic pregnancy. This has been my worst nightmare since we started trying to get pregnant.. being forced to decide between your baby’s life and your own… As soon as she said the word “ectopic” the tears began pouring out of my eyes.

My doctor came in and said that the only option is to terminate. We were sent directly to the emergency room. My baby was six weeks old with no heartbeat… By this time it should have had a heartbeat. The doctor was very adamant in telling me that this is not an abortion. This was just a group of cells stuck inside my fallopian tube. It was basically a cancer. So this is how it was going to be treated. I was given a shot of chemo which will dissolve the un-developing fetus.

I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’ve never felt so guilty, so ashamed.

And to make matters worse, I found out that I am RH- which means that if my baby (any baby I ever conceive) has positive blood, MY blood will try to kill it. I now have to take injections for every pregnancy I have to make sure that I don’t kill my own baby.

On the bright side.. the pain I was experiencing yesterday was that of my cysts in my ovaries popping. So no more cysts. What an awful chain of events.

Needless to say, it’s been an awful 4 days and now.. I’m going to lay on my couch in my sweats, watch American Idol and forget that any of this ever happened. (yeah right)

Posted by Shannon on January 13th, 2009 Filed in Thoughts, Life & Family

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Injuries and Christmas Mojo

Wednesday night our little disgusting puppy was hit by a truck.. or more accurately, Bruiser hit the truck. He always chases our neighbor, Steve’s, big diesel F250 down the road. Usually Bruiser can stop himself in time before he smashes into the side of the truck as he tears across our yard, perpendicular to the road, but on Wednesday, unfortunately, the roads were icy and he just slid straight under the truck. Steve had stopped before Bruiser made contact, but much to our dismay, Bruiser did not come out unscathed. His bone was completely exposed on his left front leg, and his back paw “toe” was dislocated and cut pretty deeply. We rushed him to the vet, the poor dog was shaking the entire time. They decided to keep him over night because they had to knock him out to stitch him up. After X-Rays they found he has a few pieces of bone chipped off on the exposed part, but no breakage. His whole leg is in a cast now. It’s pretty entertaining watching him hobble about the house and smacking his cast off of stuff.

Normally, Bruiser lives in the basement, but we’ve been keeping him upstairs since the accident. It’s been quite amusing watching him and the 2 kittens getting used to habitating the same space. He’s so doped up on pain killers right now, though, that he will just look at them and fall right to sleep. My poor puppy. He’s a dumb dog, but I love him still. Hopefully, he learned his lesson this time.

Posted by Shannon on December 18th, 2008 Filed in Life & Family

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Date Night

Tom took me to dinner the other night at Ichiban. We sat next to the sweetest family celebrating their little boy’s birthday.

This is what I wore:

Leopard top - F21
Black Tank - Target
Leggings - F21
Boots - Steve Madden

Right now I’m sitting on the couch, sick, watching Gossip Girls and eating homemade chocolate chip cookies. Other than the being sick part, it’s a pretty covetable evening if I might say so. Can’t wait to get better…

Posted by Shannon on October 28th, 2008 Filed in Fashion, Life & Family

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Are you cock of the walk when you’re walking alone?

- Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats, Cats - The Musical

My little baby kittens are getting so big! It seems like everyday they’re another inch taller and jumping on things that are just a little bit higher. Meeksa and Skilo are still so adorable and entertaining, though. I love them to pieces.

This is why we call him “Dog” in Greek.

Nap time. They’re always intertwined when they sleep.

Sweet little cuddle bugs.

Our little hunters have been doing their duty and catching all the vermin around the house and in the yard. However, it breaks my heart when they bring home innocent little chipmunks that are almost as big as they are. I can’t let them see my displeasure, though… so I have to praise them and tell them what good little hunters they are and hope that they take the chipmunk off the doorstep and bury it somewhere else so I don’t have to see it everytime I open the door.

Posted by Shannon on October 6th, 2008 Filed in Life & Family

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Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival…

- C.S. Lewis

It seems like each day gets a little harder for us. One would expect that accepting the truth would get easier with each passing day. For me, now, though, it seems that each passing day only serves to remind me that I have one less day to try for what I want.

However, in the midst of all of this darkness that has so quickly seemed to drench my life, the rays of light piercing through it get brighter and brighter.

Yesterday was yet another hard day. I began taking Progesterone last Friday and needless to say, it’s felt like I’ve had raging PMS every second of every day since I took the first pill. Work left me feeling like I wanted every other human in existence to by cryogenically frozen until this week passed so they wouldn’t irritate me anymore.

So, I get home from work and on the doorstep is a little package. As soon as I looked at the sender on the box, I burst into tears. I hadn’t even unlocked the door yet.

Alice, the most wonderful, sweetest, most compassionate, never-met friend I’ve ever had, sent me the greatest little box of goodies. After I opened it, I called my mom, still crying, and she started crying, too. Thank you, Alice, for making me smile when smiles are few and far between lately. ((Be expecting a little something in return soon))

This adorable little asparagus notepad… I love it! It will be perfect to keep in my purse and keep tabs on my to-do’s…

A happy little keychain that will make me smile every time I see it…

Some sweet and comforting soap from Dustpan Alley…

And now for my most favorite treasure of all… a crocheted handbag sweetly created by Alice herself…

I’ve admired her handbags for quite some time now and finally, I have one all to myself.

Thanks again, Alice. I promise, that I will do the same for someone else someday.. and soon. Kindness and compassion surely are contagious.

Posted by Shannon on September 30th, 2008 Filed in Thoughts, Life & Family

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What becomes of the broken-hearted? They buy shoes…

- Mimi Pond

Aldo finally got their site up and running. So here are the boots I bought yestesrday:
Frigane

These are slightly darker than mine. I bought the Cognac colored ones. I’m in love with them.

Next week, as a celebration for my brother and sister-in-law moving here, I will be purchasing these:
Frohaid

It took a lot of self-control not to kick things with these boots on in the store. I felt like Lara Croft: Tomb Raider in them.

I’ve always patronized my mother for having an obsession with boots. This is the first time that it’s plagued me… this boot fanaticism. I’ve realized that I can literally wear these with EVERYTHING.

So tomorrow after work Tom and I leave for Philadelphia to help pack up Ryen and Lindi and get their butts here in Pittsburgh. I’m ecstatic at the thought of having them near me. We will drive out there tomorrow and turn right around and come back basically. That’s okay, though, because they’ll be here for good now and I won’t just have to wait until holidays to see them.

And this is a typical picture of Ryen and Lindi. Lindi looking all cute and adorable and sweet… and Ryen trying his hardest to make himself look like a complete ass. But that’s what makes them so lovable. In this pic, though, you can see on Lindi’s face that she’s about to slap him in the back of the head.

Another fabulous picture of my oh-so-fun sister-in-law..

I’m not entirely sure what Lindi is doing here. Both of these pictures were taken downtown Pittsburgh at Station Square. I’m thinking that maybe she was dancing to the water and light show that was going on behind us in the fountain…?? Never a dull moment…

Now if I can just get my other brother and sister-in-law up here, the family would be complete once again. And hopefully Ryen and Lindi don’t kill me for posting these pictures.

Posted by Shannon on September 25th, 2008 Filed in Fashion, Life & Family

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I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity…

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Illustration by Me.

Those of you who are close to me already know what’s going on in my life. The past few months have been difficult. I’m finally getting answers and now, I want to write everything down. Release my frustration, my sadness, and the hope that I’m still holding onto.

My husband, Tom, and I have been trying to conceive since we were married on February 16, 2008. The first few months of failed attempts were to be expected. “It takes at least a year for most to conceive the first time,” everyone kept telling us. ‘Okay,’ I’d tell myself and the next month, when my cycle came, another little piece of me, of my hope was chipped away.

Finally, in June, my cycle was 3 weeks late. The home tests were negative, but that was neither here nor there because my mother had to take 3 blood tests before she showed positive of being pregnant with me. I scheduled a Dr. appt, had more tests done… all negative. We were told to wait two more weeks, then take another test. Two days before the two weeks were up my cycle came.

The part of my hope that came off that month was bigger than before. I cried for days. I wondered every night while I tried to fall asleep what was wrong with me. Everyone told me, “You’re just psyching yourself out, Don’t think about it so much, Stop worrying”… over and over until I wanted to slap everyone that even mentioned my lack of pregnancy having to do with my mental state.

After that cycle, the day for my next one to come came and went… no period. I waited 4 weeks this time, still no period. Two months had passed since my last period when I began to bleed. It’s been a month and the bleeding continues. I had enough last week. I knew something was wrong and it wasn’t in my head. I requested a sonogram and blood tests from the Dr. with hopes of figuring out what was going on. A week past and no one called with my test results, so I called them myself. I got the response that no person really ever wants to hear when asking for test results, “You’ll need to come and speak with Dr. Labella. She will review your test results with you. Do you know what PCOS is?” “No.” “The Dr. will go over it with you.”

I hung up the phone and began sobbing. I knew it. I knew there is something wrong with me and everyone just kept discounting my fears. I immediately called my mom (I was driving home from work) and she googled PCOS.

My diagnosis is Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Each of my ovaries are completely full of tiny cysts. As a result, I can’t ovulate. No wonder we’ve had all these failed attempts. When I got home I sunk into this abyss of realization and self-pity. I cried for hours. I felt useless. I felt as if my entire existence was without purpose. If I can’t have children, what good is it being a woman? I had been trying to come to terms with this idea for the past 7 months… just in case I found out I couldn’t have kids I wanted to make sure I would be okay with it. I had convinced myself I would, until I heard it for real. I wasn’t okay. I want to have children more than anything in the world, to raise a family with my husband, the love of my life, and pass on all the things that my parents taught me.

I went to see the Dr. 4 days later. In those four days I really came to resent the med assistant for telling me what it was without any explaination. Dr. Labella was very optimistic. She gave me 2 options… to begin taking fertility drugs or to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist for further testing. The drugs will stimulate ovulation. Simple as that. However, there is no cure for PCOS. There are only treatments to manage it. We’re still deciding on the best course of action, but I’m so glad to finally have an answer and to be able to move forward.

So, on top of that, my father-in-law was in the hospital for 3 days last week, my husband had to be rushed to the Dr. with chest pains and difficulty breathing, and I had my wisdom teeth pulled. It’s just overall been a really really awful few weeks. I’m hoping that this week to come holds more joy. It’s been hard to get out of bed and face the day ahead of me. Tom is wonderful and has been beside me for every step of this. And if none of this is successful, I will still have the most wonderful life with him, kids or no kids. It’s just hard to hear that you aren’t perfect, ya know?

Posted by Shannon on September 22nd, 2008 Filed in Thoughts, Life & Family

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Heartbroken

Good Friends and Lots of Fun

Still Hard

The Rise and Fall

Injuries and Christmas Mojo

Date Night

Are you cock of the walk when you’re walking alone?

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival…

What becomes of the broken-hearted? They buy shoes…

I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity…

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