The past 4 days have been the biggest roller coaster of my life. Saturday night I took a pregnancy test and for the first time in 11 months, it was positive. I screamed, I cried, I laughed, I hugged my husband, I told my family… rejoicing and celebration completely devoured the entire weekend. I began dreaming of the nursery and the furniture I’d put in it, the paintings I’d create for it, the books I’d read to my sweet little baby from my rocking chair as it slept in it’s crib so peacefully…

Then I woke up Monday and felt a little weird. I ignored it, assuming it was morning sickness. After all, I’ve never actually done any of this before. I pulled myself together and went to work excited to share with the people who had been through the past eleven months of hell by my side that finally, all my efforts were paying off. The day started off fairly well and I was on my way out the door to lunch when I started bleeding. I panicked, of course. The doctor said to come in the next day for an ultrasound and we’d go from there. After lunch the pain set in. By 2pm I could barely walk from my desk to the bathroom. My boss sent me home. The pain just continued to get worse and worse. Husband had to work late so mom, dad and Lindi came over to keep me company and make sure I was okay. I laid on the couch for 9 hours writhing in pain, crying, sobbing, wishing I would just pass out. Finally around 11pm the edge came off the pain and I was able to fall asleep.

Morning came (this morning) and I felt good. The bleeding stopped, the pain was gone, but something still wasn’t right. On my left side was a dull throbbing that seemed dangerous considering I am pregnant. We went to the doctor’s and had the ultrasound. After 15 minutes of digging around with the internal scanner, the tech was ready to stop when all of a sudden a little black spot appeared next to my left ovary. After about 5 minutes of silence and lots of different angles and measuring we heard what no newly pregnant couple wants to hear, “ah, now that’s a concern.” Another five minutes pass and she shuts off the machine and explains that I have an ectopic pregnancy. This has been my worst nightmare since we started trying to get pregnant.. being forced to decide between your baby’s life and your own… As soon as she said the word “ectopic” the tears began pouring out of my eyes.

My doctor came in and said that the only option is to terminate. We were sent directly to the emergency room. My baby was six weeks old with no heartbeat… By this time it should have had a heartbeat. The doctor was very adamant in telling me that this is not an abortion. This was just a group of cells stuck inside my fallopian tube. It was basically a cancer. So this is how it was going to be treated. I was given a shot of chemo which will dissolve the un-developing fetus.

I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’ve never felt so guilty, so ashamed.

And to make matters worse, I found out that I am RH- which means that if my baby (any baby I ever conceive) has positive blood, MY blood will try to kill it. I now have to take injections for every pregnancy I have to make sure that I don’t kill my own baby.

On the bright side.. the pain I was experiencing yesterday was that of my cysts in my ovaries popping. So no more cysts. What an awful chain of events.

Needless to say, it’s been an awful 4 days and now.. I’m going to lay on my couch in my sweats, watch American Idol and forget that any of this ever happened. (yeah right)